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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27712069">This is heartbreak; Thirteenth Doctor x River Song</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xanthicat/pseuds/Xanthicat'>Xanthicat</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Doctor Who, Doctor Who &amp; Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F, Happy Ending, Love, River Song’s Diary, Sadness, The Doctor is sad about River</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 15:22:53</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>9,229</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27712069</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xanthicat/pseuds/Xanthicat</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The Doctor finds her wife after landing on a planet, but their timelines aren’t right so River doesn’t recognise her and she has to face the agony of staying silent and unknown.</p><p>Not good at descriptions, and this is also on Wattpad under the same title.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Thirteenth Doctor/River Song</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>63</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The hum of a type 40 TARDIS is surprisingly comforting and familiar, you might expect it to get slightly irritating after some time, but it is a noise that hides the silence. It is a noise that has broken a lot of silence, some silence that was awkward, some was simply when no one had anything to say, some was dangerous silence, and some was sad. The sad silence was the worst, and yet there had been so much of it. The repetitive humming had also broken happy and friendly and oh so good silence, but when that goodness left, and the people left, the silence was replaced with complete and utterly devastating silence.</p><p>The TARDIS itself had seen the Doctor sad. She always smiled, especially with this new body, which seemed to temporarily bring the mood up, but she was often still sad. That smile, that jolly smile made everyone happy, it hid what lay underneath. It was easy for people to assume everything was fine when they saw such a solid smile, but they missed the fact that it was only so solid because of all the years, decades, centuries of practise.</p><p>The TARDIS would never assume. It would never pretend she was fine just because that was the easiest thing to do. It would always stay loyal, and stay by her side, because it knew that no one else would. No one else could. It would always hum to fill that silence, because if it didn't, what else would? The humming was like a constant reminder to the Doctor that the TARDIS was always there for her. There was the comfort. There was the familiarity that there was always some good, even when everything else was bad.</p><p>That was what the Doctor always reminded herself. There is always some good. If she didn't, she shuddered to think where she would be now. For one thing, she wouldn't see the opportunity available in everything, and in that case she probably wouldn't have even left Gallifrey in the first place. Maybe that would've been better, maybe less people would die that way. Sure, she had been in a war, but she killed the people in the war anyway for the sake of stopping it. She'd gone back later, and saved everything, but the guilt still hung in her conscience.</p><p>"Doctor?" Yas asked, cutting through the silence that was layered beneath the TARDIS's hum. The silence was always there, even if it is disguised. The Doctor looked up to her companions, who were standing on the honeycomb patterned steps. She smiled weakly to show them she was listening. That smile was false, but she hoped it didn't show.</p><p>The Doctor stood up a bit straighter, and fiddled with a few of the TARDIS's controls. "Ready to go somewhere?" She asked, anticipating the next adventure she was going to take her beloved companions on. She loved the process of taking some totally normal people (who were usually humans) and showing them everything, giving their life a purpose and watching their eyes sparkle at all the new things they see. She hated saying goodbye.</p><p>The three humans smiled, their faces lighting up like small children being given sweets. Yas nodded, and the Doctor pulled the leaver on the control panel. The time machine energetically hummed louder and louder, and ran through deep space faster than the speed of light. The Doctor always left the breaks on, which meant the box was filled with loud noises, and the beings inside were jolted around by the force of movement.</p><p>Usually, the TARDIS was just as eager for the Doctor to explore new places as the Doctor herself was, but this time, it had a bad feeling about what the Doctor might be facing. Unfortunately, it was powerless for communicating to the Time Lord, so it reluctantly materialised on the planet.</p><p>~~<br/>
"Here we are." The Doctor explained eagerly. She never could resist the promising idea of another adventure, a new planet she'd never seen before, new people, new experiences. She never understood how some people weren't interested to see what there was out there.</p><p>"Where?" Ryan asked. Graham picked up his coat from where it was spread casually over one of the yellow glowing crystals with three others. He also handed out the others, and everyone took theirs' gratefully. The Doctor decided she liked her coat, it was long with lots of pockets, pockets were good, and the look she had chosen for this body seemed to work quite well. She imagined the laughs she'd get if her previous companions saw her dressed like this. She still had the suspenders though, which she had had on quite a few old bodies.</p><p>"Dunno, it's a surprise for all of us." The Doctor replied, shrugging. It was almost always a surprise when she travelled, and that's the way she liked it. Surprises were fun, and added some mystery into life. She wrapped her long jacket around herself before turning and going to the door. Her companions followed as she stepped out of the blue box into a hallway. She sighed, disappointed that it was a building and not a planet. It probably meant she'd be told she wasn't allowed here - not that she'd care or pay any attention to anyone telling her that, she never did.</p><p>"Not the best surprise you've given us so far." Graham commented as he gazed around the dull, grey hallway and closed the TARDIS door behind them all.</p><p>"All right" The Doctor huffed, her accent coming out strongly. She proceeded to take her sonic out of her pocket and scan the area around them. "Well, it's an alien planet, don't recognise the species though." She exclaimed, looking at the devise. "Lets have a look around, shall we?"</p><p>Yas and Ryan grinned at the Doctor, who marched off in a random direction, whilst Graham just examined the surroundings briefly.</p><p>They all walked through the identical and soulless halls, passing a few boring (and locked) doors (the Doctor's sonic wouldn't work on the locks; they must be wood). It was like a maze, with so many different ways to go, the building - whatever it's purpose - seemed completely endless.</p><p>"Doc?" Graham asked, after quite a while of wandering and turning in various different directions.</p><p>"Yeah?" The Doctor replied after a moment. She was in her own world, wondering where the locked doors went, and where the people were. She carried on walking, trying every door as they came into reach to check if one was open.</p><p>"Are we lost?" He asked, glancing around warily. The TARDIS seemed to be a distant memory.</p><p>"Oh," the Doctor realised right then and there that she had walked off and not really payed much attention to where she was going. "No." Of course she wasn't lost. Even if she was, there was no point in turning back now, because she wanted to know where they were.</p><p>"We are." Ryan stated. The Doctor just continued walking. The halls were plain, like whoever painted them was on a budget, or wanted a very serious and intimidating atmosphere. If they did, the Doctor could see through that easily without a second thought. </p><p>There was a sound, and the Doctor looked sharply to where it had come from. It was like paper being moved aside violently, and the sound of it was coming from an open door. The Doctor grinned, finally there was a sign of life.</p><p>"Who's there?" She asked, trying to sound confident, although she was still unsure about the surroundings. The rushed shuffling of paper stopped, and for a horrible minute the Doctor thought that whoever was in there was going to come out and they would be dangerous. However, it seemed to go completely silent, like whoever was in there was holding their breath and hiding.</p><p>The Doctor looked back at her companions and shrugged, before turning again and entering the room. There was no one there. Her fam entered behind her, and they looked around the small bunk room. There was a desk, with some messed up paper, a small bare bed, with only the mattress, and a chair. It quite frankly looked like a prison cell.</p><p>The Doctor went over to the desk and looked at the paper. The writing seemed to be about some sort of royal jewel of an alien species, called Jix, and it was apparently priceless. The Doctor's eyebrows furrowed, confused at why the information was there. She moved the top few pages aside, looking for something more interesting, and found a blue book. She inhaled sharply as she realised what it was. Her companions were distracted,  to her relief, meaning they hadn't noticed what she was looking at. She put her attention back to the diary, and opened it up a little. She shouldn't, but she knew what was in there already. It was roughly half full. She needed to leave, because she couldn't cross timelines with River. She couldn't. </p><p>"Step away." A voice she recognised threatened her. She felt the gun go up to point against the side of her head, typical River. She grinned.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>River had always had a thing for guns; she liked the power in them. She liked how she could scare (and kill) people with them, but she also liked the security of them. She only needed that security when she was somewhere she shouldn't be, which meant she wasn't allowed here either.</p><p>"You don't seem very scared." River commented, obviously a little annoyed because she liked scaring people. The Doctor realised she was grinning, and forced herself to stop; River wouldn't recognise her, she wasn't allowed to know who she was, her diary was only half full. Their timelines weren't meant to cross here. The Doctor stepped back a little, and reminded herself that it was perfectly possible for River to shoot her.</p><p>Her companions were watching in silence, and she wondered what she was going to do next. She was nearest to Graham, who was right behind her, whereas Yas and Ryan were on the opposite side of the room next to the bed.</p><p>"Do-" Graham started, but the Doctor kicked him just below the knee to stop him talking. River couldn't know the Doctor. "Ow!" Maybe she kicked him a little too hard, but she was finding it very hard to control herself. She couldn't think straight. It was agony for her not to leap forward and kiss her wife. It was so painful not to tell River who she was.</p><p>River raised her eyebrow perfectly in a well practised manner, "Who are you all and what are you doing here?"</p><p>"Er... John, wait, Jodie Smith." The Doctor replied. (A/N I'm doing Jodie because Jodie Whittaker, I think it seems right.) The companions looked at her funny, but caught on and said their own names aloud. "We..." the Doctor tried to think of an excuse for being here, and after a moment of hesitation said the truth, or... a version of the truth at least. "Our ship landed here so we're having a look around."</p><p>River raised her eyebrow inhumanely neatly again (it was so perfectly done, like as if it had been practised a million times in front of a mirror until she got it right, which was actually quite likely. River always did things until they were perfect), but lowered the gun cautiously.</p><p>"Why are you here?" The Doctor asked, still eyeing the gun warily; she knew her wife would shoot if she felt it to be necessary - the possibility of consequence never seemed to occur to her wife. </p><p>"I'm Doctor Song, and my vortex manipulator brought me here," she said, taking too much pride in her own name like normal, "it's broken - needs repairing." She looked down at the black object which surrounded her wrist. The Doctor could see the lie, partly because she hadn't explained what the papers were, but also because of how well she knew her. That voice was not truthful. The Doctor knew everything about her, she knew her personality, she knew all her strategies and tactics, and every side to her. She knew of the smiles that were reserved specially for her. She knew where she had been, what she had seen, what she knew. She knew River like she knew herself, even the things River probably didn't want her to know. But River didn't even recognise her. That hurt. It was emotional agony that her wife didn't know her. She loved her so much, and at this point in her timeline, River didn't even know it.</p><p>The Doctor tried to get some more words out, maybe a suggestion, or just something to break the apparent silence, but nothing came out when she opened her mouth. She was so helpless and she hated herself for it. She needed to help River, and fix the vortex manipulator but she couldn't exactly get out her sonic and just take it off her wife's wrist; she was a stranger to River. All those years together meant nothing. All the love she'd previously given meant nothing. All the time they'd spent together, all the times they'd saved each other's lives meant nothing. It all meant nothing in the end. It was all worth nothing.</p><p>Heavy footsteps started echoing through the hall, all were simultaneous and they were getting closer. The Doctor snapped out of her saddening daze (or realisation that the love she had given was worth nothing) and looked at River worriedly. A lesson she'd learnt a long time ago was that trouble always came hand in hand with the curly haired woman. It was one of the reasons she loved River.</p><p>"Who's that?" She asked, although it was barely audible. River took off, sprinting out the door, and leaving them behind. They followed though, and the Doctor managed to catch up, even though her wife was fast, despite her being in heels as always. Doctor Song always came in heels, with a gun, bright or deep red lips and trouble. River slowed after a few minutes, but still ran, as she looked around for somewhere to hide. She produced the Doctor's old sonic screwdriver and used it on a lock, which opened opened obediently to the green buzzing light. She didn't remember lending that to River.</p><p>The door opened and the 5 of them entered a small cupboard. River locked it behind them the same way she had opened it. While she was facing away the Doctor faced her companions, who looked beyond confused.</p><p>"What's happening Doc-" Yas started in a whispered panic, but the Doctor slapped her hand over her mouth before she could finish the sentence. The Doctor glanced at River to make sure she hadn't heard. They were still breathing heavily, the Time Lord thought she had already seen River's last breathes, but there they were again, it wasn't fair.</p><p>"I'll explain later." She whispered back for her friends to hear, although, in truth, she had no plans of opening up to the fam. She didn't know if she would be able to without bursting out in tears and she certainly did not want her companions to see that side of her. She turned around in the confined space to gaze upon her wife, who now had her back against the door and was sitting. "What is that and where did you get it?" The Doctor asked, gesturing towards her old sonic placed in River's delicate hands.</p><p>"It's a sonic probe, and I borrowed it." She explained briefly, admiring the treasure. The Doctor was certainly not having any of that probe business. It was a screwdriver and it was hers... old hers... his.</p><p>"I was always told it was a screwdriver." She said, being purposefully awkward because she knew it would annoy River. But a painful millisecond later she remembered that she was still only a stranger.</p><p>River chuckled. "You sound like the person I borrowed it off." She commented. That's because I am the person you stole it from, she thought sadly. She considered fake coughing and mentioning the word stole aloud, but didn't. She wondered briefly when River had stolen it, because she didn't remember that, but she must've returned it pretty quickly for her not to notice it's absence.</p><p>"Why are we hiding?" The Doctor asked, a few minutes later. She knew River was up to something. River just continued fiddling with the vortex manipulator. "River why are we hiding?" She asked again without thinking. She'd used the name she hadn't been told, stupid Doctor, now it was all going to go wrong.</p><p>"How do you know my name?" River asked, looking up. It was awkwardly silent for a moment.</p><p>"You told us." The Doctor replied after hesitating, it was a long shot but worth a try. River gazed at her suspiciously, but obviously decided it wasn't important right now. "So why are we hiding?" She asked again. She watched her wife's expression change in all the stages she recognised. First was wondering whether to say, the second was thinking what harm could come from saying, the third was a yes I should say, and they passed within a second. Another second passed as she thought her fourth and final thought for the process: how to put it into words.</p><p>"Well, I..." she started, and the Doctor prepared herself for whatever stupidity or outrageousness was about to leave her mouth. "I was trying to steal the Jix's royal jewel, and I got caught, which I assure you is not something that happens often, and then I was teleported to here, which I assume is a prison of some sort. So I broke out my cell because I'm already supposed to be in another one, but now my vortex manipulator, for some reason, is broken and I can't leave." It was quite a speech, and 'Jodie' had to internally restrain herself from chuckling. That pretty much explained everything.</p><p>It went silent after that, because there was nothing else to be said.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Silence echoed through the claustrophobic cupboard for long after the footsteps left. River was worrying about the papers, the Doctor was worrying about River and the possibility of her finding out who she was, and the companions were worrying about the Doctor. It was like a flow. </p><p>The Doctor found herself accidentally staring at the huge blonde curls, admiring River's beauty. Her lips were a dark red today, and the rest of her makeup was still somehow un-smudged. She was wearing a dark green dress that seemed to be tight in all the right places, yet was loose enough around the legs to give her space to run as fast as she pleased. She wore it with a black leather jacket, which fit her perfectly, and had many pockets. Her heels were black, and elegant, yet were clunky enough to be a main feature of her look, and they were laced up so that they sculpted around her feet and were also well fitting. Her hair was down, and not fixed in any position, so that it bounced and flowed around but did not get in the way. The Doctor wondered how her beauty was possible.</p><p>Doctor Song herself had been fiddling around with the vortex manipulator, but gave up some time ago, so, now she was thinking about the prison guards outside finding the papers and taking them. What if they took them? Then she wouldn't have them. But it also gave them more to hold against her.</p><p>She repositioned herself, making the first noise in ages, to put her ear against the door. </p><p>"I don't think there's anyone out there now." She spoke, and the Doctor couldn't help but treasure and want to savour the smoothness of her voice. The silence was broken, but it still seemed like it was deadly eery. "I'm going to go and see if I can get the papers." She announced, standing up. The Doctor considered this for a moment, she wondered whether to let River go alone, because it might be dangerous and she didn't want to see any harm come to her wife. Then again, River could take care of herself, and the Doctor knew it, and she needed to talk to her companions alone anyway. </p><p>"Ok." The Doctor agreed, although River had not been asking for permission. "Leave your vortex manipulator and I'll see if I can fix it." She instructed, wanting to help where she could even if she couldn't help with anything else. Besides, she had no doubt she'd be able to fix it. River smiled, handing 'Jodie' the watch-like devise. She trusted 'Jodie', but couldn't work out why, she just seemed familiar, knowledgable, and like someone she ought to trust.</p><p>The door unlocked again in response to the sonic, and River left, leaving the Doctor and companions in peace and privacy. The Doctor sighed, getting out her own sonic and examining the manipulator with it. She couldn't hide the frown now that River had left. Luckily, the devise she held in her hands wasn't too badly damaged.</p><p>"Doctor, who is she?" Ryan asked. The Doctor internally sighed again, but she knew an explanation was due. There was no running away from that fact, no matter how much she wanted to run. She couldn't run away from everything, and even when she did run she seemed to be constantly running into something worse than before.</p><p>"She knows a past version of me, and she's not allowed to know who I am otherwise it'll disrupt our timelines." She explained briefly, her voice fast and reluctant. The information was missing a lot of important details, but they didn't need to know them. She put her attention back to fixing the teleportation devise. Cheap and nasty time travel, she thought, completely unreliable. For once, her companions didn't dig deeper for proper answers, which the Doctor was thankful for.</p><p>The damage was simple, but complicated to fix, and required the Doctor's expertise, which made her wonder what River would've done without her. She missed River so much, not a day had gone by for the last 1000 years that she hadn't wished desperately to be able to see River again.</p><p>When she first saw her again today, she had wanted to embrace her, and to hold her, and to never let go for fear that she might lose her again. She couldn't. She had been given this opportunity but couldn't, wouldn't, take it because it might change her past. She would rather keep her past, keep those precious memories, but it was so painful. This wasn't fair. The universe was so cruel, so harsh and merciless. It was so unfair. It owed her so much, what had she done to deserve this complete and utter torture?</p><p>She finished with the vortex manipulator, hoping it was well enough fixed, and that she hadn't miscalculated anything because of her horrible, distracting thoughts. It seemed fine though, so she put it down. She couldn't bare to touch anything that had been so close to River any longer. The reminders hurt her. Everything seemed to hurt her right now, and she was so fed up of it.</p><p>"Make sure you don't call me by my name, she can't know who I am." She murmured to her fam, although it was partly a reminder to herself, River just couldn't know about her. The words seemed toxic, and she wanted to get them off her tongue as quickly as possible. They were just words though.</p><p>"Ok." Yas replied, quietly as well. She seemed to understand that something was wrong, they all did. They understood the fact something was wrong, but no one would be able to understand how much it hurt. She thought back to the first time she met River, and how her past self didn't know her. That heartbreaking look on River's face when she realised the Doctor didn't know her. That broken, sad look that hurt just to look at. That was probably similar. River would understand how much this hurt. River always understood, but she couldn't get River's comfort because River was precisely the reason she needed it.</p><p>The door suddenly crashed open, startling them all since it had been so still and silent before. </p><p>"Got them." River explained triumphantly, wafting the sheets in front of 'Jodie'.</p><p>The Doctor smiled at her weakly. It was a forced smile, and although it was well practised it was still difficult. It was probably the most difficult one she'd had to do, she had to smile though, mostly just for herself.</p><p>"Any luck with the vortex manipulator?" Doctor Song asked cheerily, not seeing the mass of sadness looming in the Doctor's conscience. The Doctor nodded, and handed her the time travelling and teleportation devise.</p><p>"Hm, wow, you are clever." River complimented, wrapping it around her wrist. She could feel that it was repaired. The Doctor smiled, a little more genuinely this time.</p><p>"Thanks." She accepted the compliment smugly. She may be sad but nothing got in the way of her smugness when it came down to it. "Is it safe out there?" She asked, River could leave now, and she wanted to as well.</p><p>"Think so." River said, "I'll come, make sure you get back to your ship ok, it's the least I could do." She suggested. She didn't know why she wanted to be so nice to 'Jodie', but she did, and she refused to ignore her instincts.</p><p>"No," the Doctor said a little too quickly, "you don't have to." River looked at her suspiciously.</p><p>"You sure? Because if anyone comes I can teleport you out of here quickly." She tried again. This was cruel. This was low, even for the universe this was low. To get her to say no in this situation was more than unkind. How could the universe do this to her? The Doctor mentally cursed the universe, then River for being so kind, but took it back because she still loved River and it was not River she was angry at.</p><p>"Jodie," Graham tested the new name cautiously, "not sure if this is the best time to mention it but remember we're lost." He said, feeling a pang of guilt when he realised that the woman would probably recognise the TARDIS, and then the Doctor. 'Jodie' glanced back at him and the irritation she was feeling showed.</p><p>"I have maps downloaded into this." River stated, clicking around on the vortex manipulator on her wrist, finding the navigation. After a few more moments, she spoke again, her voice confident - she always knew what she was doing. "I've found it's signal."</p><p>The Doctor made her choice. How could she be expected to say no in this situation? </p><p>"Ok then." She gave in.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"This way." River said, staring at the vortex manipulator on her wrist, and glancing up to check her surroundings every few seconds. 'Jodie', Yas, Graham and Ryan followed her out of the storage cupboard, they turned right; which was the way they had come. The Doctor's expression was neutral because she couldn't manage anything better. What was she going to tell River when she saw the TARDIS and recognised the Doctor? How could she even begin to explain why she lied about herself without telling River that their timelines stopped crossing each other? How could she get River to forget this and not let it effect the other times they meet?</p><p>The problem was not only about how she could even begin to put these things into words, but how could she say these things without breaking and shedding tears at the memories? She couldn't let people see her like that, even River. Rule 1; the Doctor lies, the Doctor lies about a lot, including her feelings.</p><p>She was falling behind at the back of the group, with her head down: she didn't want anyone to see her. It was suspicious, but it was the best she could do.</p><p>River was exactly how she remembered her; she walked taking long, confident strides. She was as daring as ever, she had been stealing things like always, and she treasured her diary like it was the most valuable thing in the universe, because it was about the Doctor. Her beauty was flawless, and her smile and determination still shone brighter than a star, even up close. Her own love for River was beyond what she thought possible for a single being before they met. She hadn't thought she would be able to love someone any more than she had done for some of her companions, like Rose, for example. But here she was, and it was hurting her more than ever.</p><p>The Doctor could still see the love in River's eyes, even though the Doctor she knew wasn't there. That love still remained long after last seeing her husband, although now she had a wife and didn't know it. How could she bare to see the confusion in her wife's eyes when she saw the Doctor's ship? She would have to know that she dies. Everybody dies, and River was fairly lucky not to have completely died, but it's not nice to know someone who's seen you die.</p><p>She was going to find out how she would bare seeing that heartbreak quite soon, she was going to have to, but all she wanted to do was run in the opposite direction. She wanted to get away and get new un-River-tainted things and friends. She wanted to forget and to deny her past. She wanted to leave and never come back.  She wanted to be happy and not have to face the pain of goodbye so often. She wanted to be away because every time she met people they all seemed to die. Everyone around her died. She wanted to die. But she couldn't die, she was the Timeless Child, and she couldn't die. No one even knew about that apart from the Master. She missed the Master, from when they were friends. She had loved it when he became Missy, that was interesting. But right now, she wanted to die. She couldn't and that made her want it more.</p><p>Sweet death, it sounded like a luxury. Everyone else around her always died, so why couldn't she? It was like being poor, and living on a street in the middle of winter, watching rich people walk by with bags of shopping, wearing large, expensive, warm clothes while the homeless person is only wearing scraps of cheap fabric, with holes in the socks.</p><p>"Are you okay? You've gone quiet." River asked, going to the back of the group, and still awkwardly glancing from the halls to the vortex manipulator and back every few seconds. </p><p>The Doctor nodded, she couldn't seem to get her voice to work today. She wasn't okay, but couldn't tell River. She wanted to so much. She wanted to tell River everything, and to kiss her, and hold her, and never let go, and spend the rest of her life with her. But she couldn't.</p><p>"I can tell you're lying," River stated. How was she so good at seeing people's feelings? The Doctor could never tell what people were thinking. Maybe she was completely heartless with no no sense of other people's feelings. That's what it felt like sometimes. "Anyway, we're nearly at your ship, it's quite small." </p><p>The Doctor stopped walking for a second. She contemplated making River leave now, but she realised she wouldn't just leave at this point. Maybe she could take off running in the opposite direction?</p><p>River was looking at her, waiting for her to start walking again, and after a few worthless seconds she did, but she went at a noticeably slower pace. She had only stopped for a few seconds, meaning her companions hadn't noticed, but River looked at her suspiciously. Maybe she could run to the TARDIS fast, and dematerialise the ship before River even saw it. That wasn't going to work - River was fast.</p><p>"I can tell you're thinking about something." River commented casually. Oh, how the Doctor missed her sleek way of being so observant and sly. How did she do it? The way she said these things sounded so casual. The companions turned a corner in front of them, and before River and the Doctor turned it, they heard the TARDIS door open as they entered the time machine. Great, River was about to see the TARDIS and the Doctor would have to deal with it alone. This was so unfair. How was it possible for the universe to be this cruel?</p><p>River stopped suddenly when she turned the corner. The Doctor lowered her head more, if that was even possible. The guilt she was feeling at that painful moment wasn't even worth trying to describe. She felt the realisation surge through her wife as everything that had happened clicked together like a puzzle in her head. This feeling of horror made her feel sick in a way she'd never experienced before. The Doctor went inside, and saw River slowly approach the TARDIS just behind her. The Doctor tried to hide her face, she didn't want to face her wife right now. She didn't want to see the look on her beloved's face, this moment was awkward, stiff and completely unbearable.</p><p>She went to close the door behind her, and saw her fam watching her solemnly. She hated the idea of them trying to talk to her kindly, trying to comfort her after all this, it made her sound and feel weak. A traitorous tear found it's way out into the world and it rolled slowly down her face. The door didn't close because River's hand appeared and blocked it.</p><p>"It's you isn't it, Doctor?" She asked, clearly panicking a little and forgetting her usual coolness and casual sneakiness. The Doctor hated to do this to her, she didn't deserve this agonising confusion. The door opened fully again. The Doctor and River were so close, face to face, making eye contact, after so long they were suddenly so close. No words could escape the Time Lords mouth. Why was this happening to her? Why now? Why ever? No one deserves this much pain. Not one soul should feel their heart break like this. </p><p>The Doctor reached her hand forward and touched her wife's in a way as if to check she were real and not a hallucination. In a way, she almost hoped that the River standing before her was a figment of her imagination because then she wouldn't have to do this. She wouldn't have to say goodbye. Her hand felt warm, and real. It was a comforting hand which had seen and done so much. Both of them stepped forward slowly and their lips touched gently. The warmth seemed to radiate off River in a way the Doctor could never hope to understand. </p><p>So many memories came flooding back of all the good times they had had. This wasn't fair. The Doctor had found her peace - eventually - with it all, and had slowly but surely got past it and accepted it, and it wasn't fair to suddenly have this huge reminder. She couldn't do that again, could she? She couldn't see her wife leave again. She couldn't. Every second longer with her was making it harder to let her leave. She pulled away slowly, and noticed how many tears had been streaming down her face.</p><p>Their hands were still holding. River seemed to realise why the Doctor was so sad. She always understood, she had always been so good to her. She didn't deserve this. She simply didn't.</p><p>"You have to leave, I understand." River said quietly, to herself as well as the Doctor.</p><p>"Goodbye, sweetie." The Doctor whispered slowly. She hated those words. Those words were going to haunt her for the rest of her lives and she knew it. She liked it the other way round; Hello sweetie. Those were the good words, not goodbye. Who the Hell made up the word goodbye? It was a horrible word. It was a word that meant you were leaving and leaving wasn't good. She never wanted anyone to leave.</p><p>The TARDIS door closed slowly, who closed it? No one knew, maybe it was a perfectly times breeze, maybe it was the TARDIS itself. There was now a barrier between the Doctor and the person she loved the most. It felt so powerful. She could open the door again, but wasn't going to let herself. More tears streamed down the Doctor's face, and they all stood in silence. They were huge beads of salty water, flowing uncontrollably like a waterfall. The tears flooded but the Doctor was too sad and too weak to make any noise. She suffered in silence because there was no one there who could help or do anything about it.</p><p>She wiped her eyes with her sleeve, and went to the controls, making the TARDIS take off. She leant over the console, mentally attempting to deal with what had just happened. </p><p>They landed on Earth, in Sheffield, and the companions left without a word, leaving the Doctor alone in silence.</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em>Goodbye, sweetie</em>. The words replayed in her mind over and over again. What sort of words were those? Why did the concept of goodbye even have to exist? The Doctor was sat on one of the steps in her TARDIS, which was glowing a depressing blue instead of yellow, with her head in her hands. Traces of tears still showed on her cheeks, and her eyes were wide open, she was barely even bothering to blink. She couldn't be bothered. She didn't want to do anything. She just wanted to curl up into a tight ball and die. Well, the truth was that she wanted River. She wanted her wife to be alive and with her, she wanted all her other previous companions to have lived a happy life after she left them. It wasn't fair how she took ordinary people, showed them everything, time and space and more, and then abandoned them and left them in scraps. She wanted Gallifrey to be in one piece, a piece that kept flowing in time. She wanted to be happy, and to have a nice life, instead of this constant emotional pain. She never got what she wanted. It wasn't fair. She saved lives. She always meant well. She always did whatever she could to help people, even if those people didn't 100% deserve help. She never gave up. Not normally. Couldn't she give up now? Just this one time, was she really not allowed to give up just this one time? She wanted to give up. But she wanted to give in more than anything. She wanted to find River, and take her away, and for them to spend the rest of their lives together. And if she couldn't do that, then why not just give up. Give up on life. Couldn't she just die? If, according to the universe, she wasn't allowed happiness, why should she be allowed life? And why wasn't she allowed to die. She didn't even have death to look forward to anymore. She hated everything. She didn't really, the universe was full of amazing things as well as the pain. But she felt like hating everything. What was the point of everything? What was the beauty worth if behind it just held pain and death and misery? What was anything worth? Nothing was the answer. Nothing if she couldn't have River. Give up. It sounded so appealing. It sounded like a type of secret heaven. It sounded so simple, so easy, so convenient. But was she really giving up? She was the Doctor. The Doctor never gives up. The Doctor helps people. Did she really have it in her to simply give up? The Doctor had never given up before, and look where it had got her. Sure, there was pain, and misery, but there was also so much life and beauty that was saved because of her. So much worth living for. So much worth saving. She had made herself so well known over the years; her reputation was that she never gave up. She had determination. She had saved so much, and brought so much happiness, and that meant something. Was she really going to throw that all away now? Was she really going to give up so easily? No, she certainly was not. When had she become like this? When had she become so emotionally weak? Where had her determination gone? Wherever it had been, it was coming back now. She was going to make it come back, and stronger this time. Stronger than ever before. She was the Doctor and she was never going to give up. The Time Lord got up, she hadn't stood for a few hours now, and her legs were stiff, but that wasn't stopping her now. She didn't have a full plan, but she knew not to underestimate her abilities, especially when she had such an important purpose on her conscience. The TARDIS beamed, glowing yellow again, happy to see the Doctor get back to her usual self. She rushed over to the console, excited to get on with her half made up plan. She played around with the controls to get the time machine into the right settings, and put in the coordinates, making the incredible spaceship take off. She loved the groaning sound it made when she left the breaks on, it always meant  a brand new adventure was coming. The TARDIS landed quickly. Too quickly to say how important this was; it almost made it seem like it was just another adventure. It certainly wasn't though. This was important. The Doctor took in a breath, preparing herself for what she was about to do. The anticipation was too much. She was practically bursting with worried excitement. She turned around suddenly to face the doors, unable to keep calm. Behind those doors lay so much. Behind those doors, there was potentially the happiest moment of her life. She was terrified but elated at the same time. It wasn't rare for the Doctor to feel like this, but this time it was different. She walked slowly to the door, having to think carefully about every step because she seemed to have forgotten how to walk. One foot goes in front of the other, how hard could it be? Very, as it turned out. Why hadn't she thought about doing this before? It made so much sense. Her fingers clicked, and the door opened in front of her. The Doctor stepped out of the TARDIS into a large room that she recognised. Large shelves loomed over and around her, with thousands of neatly lined up dusty books. They hadn't been touched in however long it had been since she was last here. She didn't know how long that was; it could've been 10 minutes ago, it could've been centuries ago. Perhaps even millennia, but she hoped it hadn't been that long. She didn't want to have kept her wife waiting for that long. She was in the Library. Not any old library, but the Library. The largest library and computer database in the entire universe. The Doctor glanced back at her TARDIS, and let out a horrified gasp. It was in a shadow. Then she realised that she was too, and that she wasn't being eaten alive. Perhaps this was luck, and perhaps the Vashta Nerada had died out, which would mean she had been gone for quite a while. She took her sonic out of her pocket and scanned the area. She thought goodbye to her TARDIS and walked away from it, scanning her surroundings to find her way to the large room she had been in last time she was here, which contained part of the computer controls. Every row in between the shelves seemed to look near identical to the last, the only difference being that the current one seemed longer than the ones she'd already walked by. She didn't mind the distance though, because it gave her more time to think through her plan and prepare what she was going to say in her head. Hello again. Was that too obvious? Maybe she would smile and hug her. She should say something though. Maybe she should apologise for not coming and saving her sooner. Would that seem too weak and unconfident. Hello sweetie was always an option since it seemed to be the couple's way of saying hi, whilst also making them recognise each other if one had regenerated. That was too predictable though. They always said that to one another, which seemed to make the situation feel underestimated for it's significance. She decided to think about that later. What about once this was all done? Would they travel together for the rest of their lives? Or would they separate again and meet up every once in a while? That seemed to be the more interesting way of doing it, but the Doctor never wanted River to leave again. It didn't matter anyway, she just wanted to know River was safe, and that she was always going to be there. She just wanted to hear River talk again. She wanted to hear River's smooth, elegant, intelligent voice again. She wanted to see her beautiful, lively smile. She wanted to hug her, and kiss her. She wanted to smell the familiar scent in her huge curly hair. She wanted to feel those soft curls. She wanted to see that perfect face. She wanted have her wife back. She wanted a lot of things. However, one thing the Doctor had learnt by now, was that if she wanted something, she would have to get it herself. And that was exactly what she was going to do. She was going to get her wife back.</p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Her footsteps echoed throughout the large rooms as the Doctor walked. She had never been one for heels or loud shoes, because they always made too much noise in situations where she had to be sneaky, but even so, the contact between her feet and the ground made a piercingly loud noise against the deadly silence.</p><p>She was the only one there, which meant the silence was creepily eery. She wasn't scared, but it was very unsettling and playing with her nerves. If her fam were here, there would probably be a conversation of some sort in the background, which would make everything seem better somehow. She could've picked up her companions before coming, but didn't have time. Besides, she wanted to be alone when she got River back - if she could, that was. She didn't want to get her hopes too high in case they had to come crashing down again. </p><p>It probably didn't take that long, but with the nerves and anticipation it seemed an eternity until the Doctor finally arrived in the room she set out to find. It was a small room, that was filled with some complicated machines and computer parts with some loose wires hanging about in places. It was the room where the Doctor had lost River the first time she - he - met her. She hadn't known who she was back then, and she suddenly felt a pang of guilt upon remembering the look on her wife's face when she realised that she was only a stranger.</p><p>That was in the past, though, and this was what she should be concentrating on. She set to work, and examined the mechanical systems in front of her. She blew some dust off of them and hoped they were all still working. </p><p>She was clever. She knew that. It was obvious, even to complete strangers, that she was a very intelligent person. She knew it was only because of how long she'd lived and what kind of a person she was, she always took the opportunity to learn, even today, but she was thankful to her past self for putting her present self in a position where she understood what the systems in front of her were all about.</p><p>She dusted off the parts properly, and checked all the connections on the loose wires. They were in surprisingly good shape to say they had been left alone for however long it had been. She looked around for something to build a materialisation unit on, and saw a large, round metal plate. Not perfect, she thought, it would do though.</p><p>She picked up the heavy object and dragged it across the floor to the middle(ish) of the room. The very edge of the plate went up a bit, as a thin outline, and it was perfect to attach the end of wires to, which was convenient.</p><p>From the corner of the room, she heard a robotic movement. It made her jump for a moment, but as she glanced up she realised it was only CAL. The child's face smiled at her, did she realise what the Doctor was attempting to do? Maybe she had read books of the future, maybe this was actually going to work.</p><p>The Doctor took some wires from different places on the computer systems and connected various different ones to others. She understood what she was doing and why she was doing it, but any onlookers wouldn't. She also had to make some DNA coding atoms and contain them, but luckily she knew how to do that off by heart and could practically use the simple formula for it with her eyes closed.</p><p>She joined some of the wires to the metal circle. This wasn't going to be a smooth ride for River but it was the best the Doctor could manage with the available equipment pieces and parts.</p><p>As soon as she was done with the most technical part of making a fully functioning materialisation unit with only some old, spare parts, the Doctor smiled at herself, allowing herself a few seconds of smug pride. She didn't rest for long though, because all she wanted was River. She was going to get her wife back, and it all suddenly seemed so real.</p><p>River was dead. Or at least, she had been. Was this really going to happen? Was she really about to get her wife back? Not if you stand around thinking about it, the Doctor told herself. She had been letting her emotions get to her so much lately, perhaps even too much, and she wasn't about to let them get in the way again.</p><p>She went over to a large computer screen that had already been there and turned it on. It lit up, and all the everything around her suddenly seemed to come to life. This was state of the art technology, and yet the keyboard was still clunky and old fashioned under the Doctor's hands. It was in the setting for normal people, which meant she could simply request things.</p><p>River Song</p><p>She typed. It came up with some information about her wife, and the main part she was looking for was now in front of her eyes.</p><p>Saved. </p><p>That's what she needed to double check, even though she knew it already. In the corner of the screen it had the word Options. She clicked on it and it came up with two suggestions;</p><p>Guest Settings<br/>Coding</p><p>She assumed it must be on Guest Settings, so she clicked on the Coding one, and, as she expected, it came up with the coding of the biggest computer database in the universe. She played around, and found the information on saved people. She clicked on River's name, and requested to have her brought back like all the other people who used to be saved. It had to ask River personally before it was allowed to let her out, and the Doctor sighed at the complication. It would only mean it took more time.</p><p>A few minutes passed of her exploring more of the coding. It was like art, it was beautiful and it would be like a crime to play around with it or change it in any way. The complexity in the detail of it all was flawless, and the way all the separate terms and concepts worked together to create such a well functioning computer was like a harmony in the Doctor's opinion.</p><p>A notification showed up in the corner, and it brought a huge smile to the Time Lord's face as she read it.</p><p>Professor River Song has agreed to be materialised in physical form. </p><p>Of course, the Doctor already knew her wife would be eager to leave, but it made everything seem more real none the less. It was all really happening. She went onto the main coding platform and connected the materialisation unit to the main database.</p><p>The Doctor mentally apologised to River for the rough ride to the badly put together unit before clicking the Start Materialisation button displayed on the screen. She turned and watched the metal plate with intent. It still might go wrong, she told herself that over and over again because she hated to think of the disappointment for if it didn't go right.</p><p>She was actually surprised when it did go right.</p><p>Slowly but surely, the Doctor started to see the faint outline of her wife appear on the tyre size chunk of metal. Elation flooded throughout her when she realised it really was working. It could still go wrong, it could still go wrong. She was almost in denial that it seemed to be going right. She'd expected it to fail. She'd expected to have to carry the guilt of the knowledge that she'd failed her one and only chance to get her wife back for the rests of her life. What she hadn't expected was to be able to feel proud of herself for saving Professor Song's life. She hadn't expected to be able to see the huge, curly hair she had missed so much.</p><p>River fully materialised, and immediately jumped off the materialisation unit, which was now smoking a bit. She looked at the metal circle on the ground, then at herself as she caught onto the fact she was alive again. Then she looked at the Doctor, and smiled widely.</p><p>The Time Lord had missed that smile.</p><p>The Doctor had her mouth partly hanging open in shock that her wife was really and truly standing there, right in front of her. After a second, she managed to regain herself.</p><p>She moved forwards suddenly, and wrapped her arms gratefully around her wife. Her breathing was becoming heavier with the shock.</p><p>"Hello sweetie." River said confidently. River was definitely the best out of the two at saying that line. </p><p>The Doctor kissed River in triumph. The kiss was deep, and long. It lasted a long time. The Doctor couldn't believe this was happening. She couldn't believe she had her wife back. She couldn't believe it had been so easy.</p><p>A lot of tears had been shed that day, and a few more were being shed in that moment, but those were happy tears. </p><p>It was a perfect picture; the Doctor and her wife, together again, finally at the right point in time.</p><p>A/N<br/>Thank you for reading, kudos and comments are appreciated.</p>
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